Despite reaching great popularity among fans, there was another large cohort of readers who were left wanting after reading the legendary saga. They cited problems with characterization, prose, structure, and other issues both writing and politically related. While many loved the saga despite it’s flaws, others couldn’t overlook them and went on to read other books.
However, whether you’re a fan or hated the story, nearly everyone had an opinion—not only on the story’s quality, but on how it might have been improved. I was no exception. Despite being an ardent fan, the writer in me couldn’t help making corrections to the story as I read.
Meyer’s prose is among the biggest gripes, but the fault comes down to the editor as much as the original author. Many of the mistakes in the prose are minor; these are errors which could have been ironed out through a few afternoons of rigorous focus.
For those unsure of what problems the writing had, one of the biggest was the author’s need to over explain. Removal of certain lines would have made the read smoother; after all, much of the prose does an adequate job of explaining what’s happening, though it’s hampered by redundant statements.
As an example, there’s the first meeting between Bella and Charlie. Despite the fact the text shows Charlie is awkward, the author still breaches the “show, don’t tell” rule by adding that he’s awkward. The reader can see Charlie isn’t that verbose, but Meyer still tells us he isn’t. Sentences like these could have been dropped…and the story still would have made sense.
Bella’s physical appearance is also given great detail in the opening pages. The statement that she’s not an athlete was unnecessary, because her performance in gym later shows this. Taking unnecessary dialogue tags into account, and other descriptors of action which has just been shown, and you have a book that would have benefited from a thorough trim. Meyer might have written the story, but she was a new author and a tougher editor could have solved much of the problems with her paragraphs.
2) The Side Trips
One of my favourite scenes in the first book is also the first I would cut: while Bella’s visit to the tidal pools is one of the more vivid scenes in my mind, it doesn’t actually advance the plot. Bella spends an afternoon with her friends, first lighting a bonfire and then going to the tidal pools. The reader gets a glimpse into Bella’s childhood, during which her father had to try preventing her from drowning. Though it was a nice memory, it was still delivered as exposition.
I’m all for character down time, but this scene, however wonderfully descriptive, didn’t move Bella’s relationship forward with her friends, either. The fix would have been to introduce Jacob at this point.
Jacob, along with his pals, could have met Bella at the tidal pools. In between the striking descriptions of hidden reefs and fish, Bella could have began her questioning of Jacob here; she might have shared her experiences of Charlie pulling her from the pools with Jacob, giving them a moment of shared laughter, and then walked with him, back to the beach, to conclude the conversation in the original setting.
By doing this, Meyer could have included the pools and the beach, both interesting settings, by using the two areas to complement the main purpose of the scene: Bella needs to meet Jacob, and learn about the Cold Ones. The exploration of Forks prettiest areas could have been a continual backdrop to the discussion, giving it more background movement (as well as a few bonding moments with Jacob) while Bella got the answers she needed.
3) Bella’s Friends
While it would have been unrealistic for Bella to have no friends at all, there’s a sense they’re just there for the sake of being there. Some of them offer humour, but their characters, and their arcs, are never as fleshed out as the reader might like. Though Bella hears about Angela dating Ben, and Jessica trying to date Mike, little detail is given about their lives beyond that.
Despite her fixation on Edward, Bella still spends most of her time with these people at school. They could have been given larger roles, or at least more fleshed out sub plots. Jessica takes a great interest in Bella’s relationship with Edward. Though this is mostly played for laughs, Jessica’s curious personality could have caused minor problems down the road. Jessica could have started her own vendetta to ferret more information from the pair, either through following them on the school grounds or pestering Bella. Though it’s likely she wouldn’t have gotten far, even a minor inconvenience could have added tension to the story and made Jessica feel like more than a backdrop.
Developing the friendship between Bella and Angela could have heightened the stakes, too. In one scene in Eclipse, Bella helps Angela with graduation preparations. Bella enjoys the time, joking to herself that if Angela was a witch she could join the party. Bella likes Angela, and has a brief, and intense, desire to tell her everything.
This feels like the shadow of a plot that never was, and the beginning of one that was dropped. Even if Angela hadn’t been a witch (which would have been awesome), Bella having one close human friend would have made her transition into a vampire more difficult. It was hard enough leaving Renee behind, but giving up a deep friendship might have made Bella second guess herself a little more. Seeing Bella say goodbye to a best friend would have been painful for readers, as we would have become invested in Angela’s character and the bond Bella shared with her.
As it is, Bella leaves her friends behind following the wedding and they drop out of the story. None of them call to see how she’s doing, and Bella seems to have no qualms about leaving them behind. Bella and the reader forget they even exist.
Bella has a desire to deepen her relationship with Angela while helping her…but she never follows through on this impulse. Her moment of sadness is forgotten when she meets with Edward, and isn’t brought up again. Even if it had been, this feels like something which needed to be introduced from the first book.
Bella’s friends should have played a bigger role in her life, either by complicating the main plot or by using their own sub plots, and deeper relationships with Bella, to colour her time at high school and highlight what she would truly be giving up.
4) A Proactive Approach
Bella is what is called a “passive” protagonist. She reacts to events, instead of instigating them through her own choices. Edward actually acts more like a protagonist, since his decisions, choices, and actions drive the plot. He decides to tell Bella what he is; he decides to take her to the meadow; and he decides to invite her to play baseball, where the encounter with James occurs. Bella’s biggest decisions are agreeing to the ideas Edward has already had.
Bella didn’t need to be, as Meyer put it, another Buffy. However, Bella’s choices should have been driving the narrative. She should have been the one to suggest they go to the meadow. She should have made a decision of her own which would place her at the base ball field.
Bella also could have taken measures to defend herself from vampire attacks. It wouldn’t have mattered if these actions had been futile; the reader needed to see Bella act for herself. If I knew vampires were after me, I’d have a jug of gasoline under my bed and a package of matches beside my pillow. Bella should have been more active in pushing answers out of Edward and steering the story. It wasn’t that she needed to be able to fight—it was that she needed to be seen trying to fight.
Coming back to Bella’s friends, she could have had a direct impact on other plot lines which weren’t supernatural in nature. While she suggests Mike take Jessica to the dance, this could have been expanded into a mini story. Bella could have dropped hints to both of them, and even planned a place where they could have met by “accident.” This could have given her character more agency (in addition to offering another nod to one of Meyer’s influences, Jane Austen).
5) Bella’s Character
Bella didn’t just lack agency. Many found her to lack personality. What Bella needed was more goals, hobbies, and flaws. Her only flaws are an occasional short temper and her clumsiness, but these don’t contribute to any failures in her attempts to meet her goals. After all, she’s human; her clumsiness is redundant, because she would have been helpless against vampires regardless. Her temper does little to land her in trouble either, besides resulting in her breaking her hand punching Jacob.
Bella’s decisions, and her flaws, needed to cause consequences for her. A goal to learn more about Edward, and a mission to press answers from him, could have put her more at odds with someone like Rosalie. Her choice to go out with Edward could have complicated her relationship with her dad earlier on, as well as those with her friends. If stubbornness was one of her flaws, it should have led to her making bad choices plot wise.
Bella doesn’t seem to have any skills, either. Even her career choice isn’t obvious unless you read the Illustrated Guide (for those who are curious, Bella was going to become a school teacher). Even with everything going on, Bella should be worrying about her future. She should be comparing herself to the teachers at her school; she should be trying to learn from how they teach; and she should be questioning her own fitness to be a teacher. She should be thinking of what she would rather do, if teaching is only a means for her to pay the bills. Bella might have dreamed of becoming a librarian, or even a writer, and tried to look into these careers in her spare time. Edward helps her to fill out college applications, yet no mention is made of the actual courses she would be taking.
Bella’s skills should have enabled Bella to contribute to the problems she was faced with. While she couldn’t fight, the book notes Bella is a high achiever. In the book, this information (that Bella gets good grades) is irrelevant, but it didn’t need to be. Bella can’t fight other vampires…but she can think.
Given it was her life on the line, Bella could have led the discussions around her her safety. She could have created the plans which would keep her safe from James, or eliminate Victoria. In the first book, Bella does suggest she separate from Edward and create a diversion. Given her plan initially works, one has to wonder why she isn’t consulted again. Bella guesses it’s Victoria in the third book, but she could have arrived at this conclusion sooner through a concerted effort.
Bella’s problem solving skills get overlooked, and having such a talent would have given her not only more agency, but personality. What if she had introduced all of the plans, deciding who went where and what the back up plans were, while the other Cullen’s contributed with suggestions? Bella could have had a leadership role in this sense, driving the actions they would take.
She could have been like a queen, not fighting but issuing orders to those who could, shaping where the story would go.
Finally, there are the little details. What did Bella have in common with her human friends, or the other Cullen’s? Bella and Edward should have had a favourite book they read together. Edward could have had an interest in literature; Bella could have been a more active fan of classical music, requesting that Edward play her favourites. Bella and Angela could have formed a book club. Mike and Bella could have bonded over Forks’ best places to see nature; though Bella hates exercise, she seems to appreciate natural beauty and Mike works at a store which sells gear to hikers and other nature lovers. Even Bella’s day job isn’t given much mention; why doesn’t she banter with Mike while she’s there?
Why doesn’t Emmett try to entice Bella to pick a sports team? Why doesn’t Rosalie or Jacob teach her how to change a tire? Perhaps the problem with Bella is that she dislikes so many things—she hates fashion, isn’t into sports, and doesn’t understand cars. These are all things other people in her life are interested in, and could have given her something to bond with them over if she had given them a chance. Other people in her life should have had their favourite books, too. Bella and Jacob could have argued over the merits of classic literature, with Jacob citing a preference for books from the 70’s or stories which are more gritty in comparison to Jane Austen.
In addition to having flaws which don’t cause problems, and little chance to use the skills that make her uniquely suited to tackling the plot’s problems, Bella’s lack of common interests with other people—vampire, werewolf, or human—keep her from connecting with them. Even when she does have a connection, readers struggled to see what actually glued Bella to others.
This list is by no means exhaustive (and may even necessitate a Part 2), but it reveals that steps could have been taken, either through the characters or the writing itself, to improve the saga. There are also aspects to the saga which worked, drawing in the die hard fans we know today (and which I’ll discuss in another article). Still, the saga had the potential to be more. With more line edits, and character development, it may have won over those readers who ultimately couldn’t stand it.
What else would you change about Twilight? How would you go about improving it? Let me know.
Designing characters isn’t the most important aspect of writing – first you have to develop a character’s personality, her hobbies and career, her extracurricular activity, the way she talks, her relationships, and so on. That Read more…
My favourite character growing up was easily Hermione. While I’ve since come to identify with other characters too, Hermione continues to remain one of the characters I most relate to. The most obvious commonality is Read more…
Read the transcript below: Everyone who’s read Twilight remembers the ice queen that was Rosalie. Throughout the books, she’s the most antagonistic member of the Cullen household. She intimidates Bella, and endangers both her life Read more…
5 Ways Twilight Could Have Been Improved
Published by rnblundell on
Despite reaching great popularity among fans, there was another large cohort of readers who were left wanting after reading the legendary saga. They cited problems with characterization, prose, structure, and other issues both writing and politically related. While many loved the saga despite it’s flaws, others couldn’t overlook them and went on to read other books.
However, whether you’re a fan or hated the story, nearly everyone had an opinion—not only on the story’s quality, but on how it might have been improved. I was no exception. Despite being an ardent fan, the writer in me couldn’t help making corrections to the story as I read.
Video version available:
https://youtu.be/uFPUOj-n8uA
1) The Prose
Meyer’s prose is among the biggest gripes, but the fault comes down to the editor as much as the original author. Many of the mistakes in the prose are minor; these are errors which could have been ironed out through a few afternoons of rigorous focus.
For those unsure of what problems the writing had, one of the biggest was the author’s need to over explain. Removal of certain lines would have made the read smoother; after all, much of the prose does an adequate job of explaining what’s happening, though it’s hampered by redundant statements.
As an example, there’s the first meeting between Bella and Charlie. Despite the fact the text shows Charlie is awkward, the author still breaches the “show, don’t tell” rule by adding that he’s awkward. The reader can see Charlie isn’t that verbose, but Meyer still tells us he isn’t. Sentences like these could have been dropped…and the story still would have made sense.
Bella’s physical appearance is also given great detail in the opening pages. The statement that she’s not an athlete was unnecessary, because her performance in gym later shows this. Taking unnecessary dialogue tags into account, and other descriptors of action which has just been shown, and you have a book that would have benefited from a thorough trim. Meyer might have written the story, but she was a new author and a tougher editor could have solved much of the problems with her paragraphs.
2) The Side Trips
One of my favourite scenes in the first book is also the first I would cut: while Bella’s visit to the tidal pools is one of the more vivid scenes in my mind, it doesn’t actually advance the plot. Bella spends an afternoon with her friends, first lighting a bonfire and then going to the tidal pools. The reader gets a glimpse into Bella’s childhood, during which her father had to try preventing her from drowning. Though it was a nice memory, it was still delivered as exposition.
I’m all for character down time, but this scene, however wonderfully descriptive, didn’t move Bella’s relationship forward with her friends, either. The fix would have been to introduce Jacob at this point.
Jacob, along with his pals, could have met Bella at the tidal pools. In between the striking descriptions of hidden reefs and fish, Bella could have began her questioning of Jacob here; she might have shared her experiences of Charlie pulling her from the pools with Jacob, giving them a moment of shared laughter, and then walked with him, back to the beach, to conclude the conversation in the original setting.
By doing this, Meyer could have included the pools and the beach, both interesting settings, by using the two areas to complement the main purpose of the scene: Bella needs to meet Jacob, and learn about the Cold Ones. The exploration of Forks prettiest areas could have been a continual backdrop to the discussion, giving it more background movement (as well as a few bonding moments with Jacob) while Bella got the answers she needed.
3) Bella’s Friends
While it would have been unrealistic for Bella to have no friends at all, there’s a sense they’re just there for the sake of being there. Some of them offer humour, but their characters, and their arcs, are never as fleshed out as the reader might like. Though Bella hears about Angela dating Ben, and Jessica trying to date Mike, little detail is given about their lives beyond that.
Despite her fixation on Edward, Bella still spends most of her time with these people at school. They could have been given larger roles, or at least more fleshed out sub plots. Jessica takes a great interest in Bella’s relationship with Edward. Though this is mostly played for laughs, Jessica’s curious personality could have caused minor problems down the road. Jessica could have started her own vendetta to ferret more information from the pair, either through following them on the school grounds or pestering Bella. Though it’s likely she wouldn’t have gotten far, even a minor inconvenience could have added tension to the story and made Jessica feel like more than a backdrop.
Developing the friendship between Bella and Angela could have heightened the stakes, too. In one scene in Eclipse, Bella helps Angela with graduation preparations. Bella enjoys the time, joking to herself that if Angela was a witch she could join the party. Bella likes Angela, and has a brief, and intense, desire to tell her everything.
This feels like the shadow of a plot that never was, and the beginning of one that was dropped. Even if Angela hadn’t been a witch (which would have been awesome), Bella having one close human friend would have made her transition into a vampire more difficult. It was hard enough leaving Renee behind, but giving up a deep friendship might have made Bella second guess herself a little more. Seeing Bella say goodbye to a best friend would have been painful for readers, as we would have become invested in Angela’s character and the bond Bella shared with her.
As it is, Bella leaves her friends behind following the wedding and they drop out of the story. None of them call to see how she’s doing, and Bella seems to have no qualms about leaving them behind. Bella and the reader forget they even exist.
Bella has a desire to deepen her relationship with Angela while helping her…but she never follows through on this impulse. Her moment of sadness is forgotten when she meets with Edward, and isn’t brought up again. Even if it had been, this feels like something which needed to be introduced from the first book.
Bella’s friends should have played a bigger role in her life, either by complicating the main plot or by using their own sub plots, and deeper relationships with Bella, to colour her time at high school and highlight what she would truly be giving up.
4) A Proactive Approach
Bella is what is called a “passive” protagonist. She reacts to events, instead of instigating them through her own choices. Edward actually acts more like a protagonist, since his decisions, choices, and actions drive the plot. He decides to tell Bella what he is; he decides to take her to the meadow; and he decides to invite her to play baseball, where the encounter with James occurs. Bella’s biggest decisions are agreeing to the ideas Edward has already had.
Bella didn’t need to be, as Meyer put it, another Buffy. However, Bella’s choices should have been driving the narrative. She should have been the one to suggest they go to the meadow. She should have made a decision of her own which would place her at the base ball field.
Bella also could have taken measures to defend herself from vampire attacks. It wouldn’t have mattered if these actions had been futile; the reader needed to see Bella act for herself. If I knew vampires were after me, I’d have a jug of gasoline under my bed and a package of matches beside my pillow. Bella should have been more active in pushing answers out of Edward and steering the story. It wasn’t that she needed to be able to fight—it was that she needed to be seen trying to fight.
Coming back to Bella’s friends, she could have had a direct impact on other plot lines which weren’t supernatural in nature. While she suggests Mike take Jessica to the dance, this could have been expanded into a mini story. Bella could have dropped hints to both of them, and even planned a place where they could have met by “accident.” This could have given her character more agency (in addition to offering another nod to one of Meyer’s influences, Jane Austen).
5) Bella’s Character
Bella didn’t just lack agency. Many found her to lack personality. What Bella needed was more goals, hobbies, and flaws. Her only flaws are an occasional short temper and her clumsiness, but these don’t contribute to any failures in her attempts to meet her goals. After all, she’s human; her clumsiness is redundant, because she would have been helpless against vampires regardless. Her temper does little to land her in trouble either, besides resulting in her breaking her hand punching Jacob.
Bella’s decisions, and her flaws, needed to cause consequences for her. A goal to learn more about Edward, and a mission to press answers from him, could have put her more at odds with someone like Rosalie. Her choice to go out with Edward could have complicated her relationship with her dad earlier on, as well as those with her friends. If stubbornness was one of her flaws, it should have led to her making bad choices plot wise.
Bella doesn’t seem to have any skills, either. Even her career choice isn’t obvious unless you read the Illustrated Guide (for those who are curious, Bella was going to become a school teacher). Even with everything going on, Bella should be worrying about her future. She should be comparing herself to the teachers at her school; she should be trying to learn from how they teach; and she should be questioning her own fitness to be a teacher. She should be thinking of what she would rather do, if teaching is only a means for her to pay the bills. Bella might have dreamed of becoming a librarian, or even a writer, and tried to look into these careers in her spare time. Edward helps her to fill out college applications, yet no mention is made of the actual courses she would be taking.
Bella’s skills should have enabled Bella to contribute to the problems she was faced with. While she couldn’t fight, the book notes Bella is a high achiever. In the book, this information (that Bella gets good grades) is irrelevant, but it didn’t need to be. Bella can’t fight other vampires…but she can think.
Given it was her life on the line, Bella could have led the discussions around her her safety. She could have created the plans which would keep her safe from James, or eliminate Victoria. In the first book, Bella does suggest she separate from Edward and create a diversion. Given her plan initially works, one has to wonder why she isn’t consulted again. Bella guesses it’s Victoria in the third book, but she could have arrived at this conclusion sooner through a concerted effort.
Bella’s problem solving skills get overlooked, and having such a talent would have given her not only more agency, but personality. What if she had introduced all of the plans, deciding who went where and what the back up plans were, while the other Cullen’s contributed with suggestions? Bella could have had a leadership role in this sense, driving the actions they would take.
She could have been like a queen, not fighting but issuing orders to those who could, shaping where the story would go.
Finally, there are the little details. What did Bella have in common with her human friends, or the other Cullen’s? Bella and Edward should have had a favourite book they read together. Edward could have had an interest in literature; Bella could have been a more active fan of classical music, requesting that Edward play her favourites. Bella and Angela could have formed a book club. Mike and Bella could have bonded over Forks’ best places to see nature; though Bella hates exercise, she seems to appreciate natural beauty and Mike works at a store which sells gear to hikers and other nature lovers. Even Bella’s day job isn’t given much mention; why doesn’t she banter with Mike while she’s there?
Why doesn’t Emmett try to entice Bella to pick a sports team? Why doesn’t Rosalie or Jacob teach her how to change a tire? Perhaps the problem with Bella is that she dislikes so many things—she hates fashion, isn’t into sports, and doesn’t understand cars. These are all things other people in her life are interested in, and could have given her something to bond with them over if she had given them a chance. Other people in her life should have had their favourite books, too. Bella and Jacob could have argued over the merits of classic literature, with Jacob citing a preference for books from the 70’s or stories which are more gritty in comparison to Jane Austen.
In addition to having flaws which don’t cause problems, and little chance to use the skills that make her uniquely suited to tackling the plot’s problems, Bella’s lack of common interests with other people—vampire, werewolf, or human—keep her from connecting with them. Even when she does have a connection, readers struggled to see what actually glued Bella to others.
This list is by no means exhaustive (and may even necessitate a Part 2), but it reveals that steps could have been taken, either through the characters or the writing itself, to improve the saga. There are also aspects to the saga which worked, drawing in the die hard fans we know today (and which I’ll discuss in another article). Still, the saga had the potential to be more. With more line edits, and character development, it may have won over those readers who ultimately couldn’t stand it.
What else would you change about Twilight? How would you go about improving it? Let me know.
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