While most of us who read fantasy are fairly well adjusted people, many of us can also be quite eccentric. After all, we spend hours reading about werewolf romances, elf rights, and the politics of Gods. That’s bound to rub off on us in an unusual way, and I’m here to list all of the ways such supernatural reading effects us.
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1) Romantic Preferences
It’s not uncommon for readers to choose “teams” when it comes to their most beloved franchises, but the choices within these teams aren’t always human. The most infamous example of a team is that of Team Jacob and Team Edward. While the choice was mainly between two boys, it was also between a werewolf and a vampire—their supernatural aspects played as much of a role in who, or what, people picked. Those who wanted everlasting life chose Edward, even in the wake of Jacob’s sans shirt fashion choice. Those who didn’t want to be eaten chose Jacob, trying their best to ignore Edward’s perfect hair.
Of course, such quirky tastes extend beyond Twilight. Some found themselves rooting for Gods; some were more into ghosts, and vampires and werewolves both made continued appearances throughout paranormal romances. It’s led to some funny debates: I once had an hour long discussion with my friends over what kind of a partner we would like.
Normal people would talk about the object of their desire having a sense of humour, stable finances, good looks, and so on. My friend and I, however, raked over the potential pros and cons of dating a werewolf. In a strange way, we had a “thing” for werewolves. We discussed how Lycanthropy would effect our partner’s earning potential, how it would shape our meal planning, and, most importantly, the precautions we would have to take to protect ourselves every full moon. I won’t lie: the discussion became quite serious. It was as though we actually believed in werewolves! So indoctrinated were we by fantasy media, that the debate for finding a werewolf partner (we discussed vampires too) seemed like a conversation we needed to have.
We didn’t stop at werewolves, either. What are the implications of dating a giant? Their clothes must be quite expensive; the need for so much fabric would need to be factored into the monthly bills. What about dating a vampire? If a vampire has chosen to abstain from murder by hunting animals, would they be compatible with a human partner who was vegetarian, or even vegan? These are the important questions fantasy readers have to ask themselves!
2) How do Orcs Wear Masks?
This question actually applies to all types of clothing, and all creatures. If an Orc has to become a surgeon (or is trying to survive through a pandemic) how does he fit the mask over his tusks? Tears must be a common problem. Elves with especially large ears must struggle to pull the strings over them, and talking animals would need to have masks made in different sizes.
This is just the case for masks. Do centaurs need their own clothing stores? Is it considered impolite if they don’t also cover the horse portion when dressing themselves? Centaurs should find t-shirts simple enough, but finding designer jeans for horse legs sounds both challenging and expensive. Creatures with wings will have to cut holes in the backs of all their shirts. People with tails will need to cut precise holes through denim, and minotaurs will rack up clothing bills when they tear their third t-shirt apart in an attempt to fit it over their horns. Mermaids must also struggle. If they’re the kind to grow human legs once outside the water, they’ll need to have a bathing suit within immediate reach upon emerging.
3) The Birds and the Bees
Let’s start with an obvious one: how was Hagrid born? How did Hagrid’s human father conceive with his giantess mother? How did that…work? Evidently, it has to work somehow, but the author of a children’s novel is unlikely to elaborate—though other stories have also featured stories wherein a giant and a human fall in love.
Older tales feature pairings which are more dubious. The minotaur was born because a woman got some funny ideas about her cattle. Many creatures which are half human, half animal were conceived through…unusual means, to say the least.
Elf and human pairings seem innocent enough, yet every story has it’s own convoluted details on this matter. Even if the pairing is seen as acceptable by society (which it often isn’t), children of such couplings are forced to make difficult decisions. This is how you end up with kids caught between two cultures, human races with super longevity, and heartbreaking romances. The same writers who heap detail on human-elf pairings still neglect dwarves. Why don’t dwarves and humans fall for each other? Are they incompatible, or does the hairiness of dwarves just eliminate their sex appeal?
According to some stories, humans and vampires can have children—called in many tales Dhampirs—though Twilight showcases how downright weird the science on this one can become. Like the offspring of elf-human pairings, half vampires often have to choose between two worlds. Some adopt pieces of both lives, while others hurt themselves by condemning one half of their nature while struggling to embrace the other.
Then there are mermaids! Assuming they don’t grow human legs, how do they have children? Where does…everything…go? They wear bras, and that’s it; the lower half of their bodies are those of fish. Yet they reproduce. Do they mate as fish do, simply spreading their seed through the water? For beings who think, and mostly look, like humans, this doesn’t sound too romantic…but maybe mermaids aren’t that romantic? After all, most sailors they seduce go to watery graves. It’s possible mermaids aren’t into romance at all. It’s possible they even hate it, and any newborns come from eggs. It remains an enigma.
The birds and the bees of the fantasy world leave readers with many “hmm” moments. Edward’s whole body is as hard as rock; think about that for a minute. Even if he was careful…well, that just doesn’t sound pleasant.
4) Age Gaps
If weird anatomy differences weren’t enough, you have drastic age gaps. Edward Cullen is a century old when he meets the teenage Bella. Though he has the body of a 17 year old, his mind is that of an old man. Does having a young body really make it okay for Edward to view Bella with attraction? If he had aged normally, he would have been an old man, and his attraction to Bella would have been seen as creepy—despite the fact he would have been, at least on the inside, the same person. Edward even tells Bella he would become human for her, but both are assuming such a cure would allow him to just resume aging. What if the “cure,” instead, caught him up to where he should have been? Edward and Bella are all about true and eternal love; nothing can separate them. If Edward had become human, and the “gap” had become more apparent, would they have continued with their relationship?
Even setting the literal age difference aside, there’s the physical gap. Had Edward gotten his way, Bella would have aged into a little old lady while Edward remained a teenager. Presumably, they would have continued on as normal. Bella, an old woman, would have continued to kiss Edward and be with him; if she’s attracted to, and in love with, a teenager at that age, what does that say about her?
Though Twilight gets some flak for the age gap, nearly every fantasy story has the same conundrum. Arwen and Aragorn are a dream couple for many people—despite the fact Arwen is 2000 years old to Aragorn’s paltry 80. Doesn’t that make Arwen…a cougar? Even if Aragorn and Arwen hadn’t married, Aragorn might have married Eowyn instead—despite having gone to war with her grandfather. That one statement—his riding to war with her grandfather and knowing her own dad as a child—says everything about their age difference. If Aragorn had been an ordinary human, his attachment to Eowyn would have been seen as messed up, even then (his great personality notwithstanding).
While some stories explain that the mind remains young too, others hint that many immortals still age mentally. Vampires and elves become as melancholy as any elderly people…and yet they continue to chase after much younger partners. Where is the line drawn?
Is Edward allowed to date a 90 year old woman because, technically, they’re the same age? Is he allowed to date a teenager because, physically, he is one? In other words, can Edward have his cake and eat it too? At 2000, do age gaps even matter? Is there anything morally wrong, for example, with a 2000 year old dating someone who is 500? When does it matter? Does it matter? Should it?
5) Why are all Gods so Promiscuous?
A trip to camp Half-Blood reveals that nearly all of the Gods, and even some of the Goddesses, are quite…busy. They’re so busy, their children essentially need their own fraternities. Kids are sorted into houses based on their parentage. Those within the same house are all, technically, siblings.
Why are Gods so bad at monogamy? Is it boredom born of endless life? Is it the result of the inevitable—all of their human partners will die of old age, and they therefore can’t remain with them? While this seems like the easy answer, it doesn’t seem like the right one. After all, most of them can’t remain faithful to their immortal partners either.
There’s also the matter of time. Gods might be immortal, but Zeus has to lead Olympus. How does he have time for these affairs with mortal women? He’s the leader of the Gods; isn’t he missed?
They’re all like this, too. Why isn’t there one monogamous God, or even one who isn’t romantically inclined at all?
Tales old and new explain the consequences of these affairs. Whether it be deadly offspring, jealous wives, or just teenage Demi-gods who feel abandoned by fathers who couldn’t even pay child support, the repercussions are clear. What isn’t clear is why the Gods, especially Zeus and Poseidon, keep doing it. It’s a simple question, but one unlikely to be answered: what’s going on with these guys…and why are they all like this?
Fantasy keeps us up at night with questions equal parts bizarre and even creepy. If fantasy creatures did exist, there would be many questions in need of answers.
What weird questions has fantasy raised for you? Do you have your own paranormal preference when it comes to relationships? I’d love to hear about it!
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