10 Reasons You Wouldn’t Want to be a Twilight Vampire

The lives of the vampires featured in Stephenie Meyer’s debut novels often sound idyllic, particularly in the case of the Cullens, but it should be noted that the transformation comes with it’s own set of sacrifices. Like other vampires found in pop culture, these immortal beings run against challenges that would make some humans think twice!

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1) Loss of Procreation Abilities

One of the greatest sacrifices made by female vampires is the loss of your reproductive system. Your warm fuzzy hormones, your monthly cycle, your ability to create children—all of that is gone, to be replaced by a frozen, marble body that can’t change. Male vampires can still procreate with human women (though the process is usually deadly to the latter), and if you didn’t enter into the vampire life willingly, you’re essentially made barren with no input. That…kind of sucks.

2) No More Dreams

The inability to sleep is incredibly useful, given all the extra time and energy you gain. However, you also lose the ability to dream. For those who have frequent nightmares, or suffer from insomnia, this could still be a bonus, but some of the best ideas have come from dreams. The idea for Twilight came from one of Meyer’s dreams. Had she been bitten, and turned into one of her own creations, the famous (or infamous, depending on your opinion) books wouldn’t have been written.

3) Goodbye, Cheeseburgers

Vampires don’t have that much choice when it comes to cuisine. You can have blood, blood, or blood. For those with a moral compass, animals offer an alternative to human victims, but if you’re a vegetarian (and not the kind the Cullens purport to be) you’re out of luck. Human food doesn’t even function as an empty treat—chocolate milkshakes, dripping cheeseburgers, strawberries, and chocolate will all taste like dirt. You’ll never enjoy your favourite dishes…and you’ll have hundreds of years to dwell on that.

4) All of Your Friends Still Age

Changing others is discouraged, not only because many vampires are melancholy, but because the world would become too populated as those who couldn’t die continued to propagate. As such, most choose to leave their human family and friends mortal—which means, as a vampire, you have to watch all of those closest to you die. When you listen to centurions, many sound sad: their spouses, their best friends, and even some of their children, have outlived them. This leads to the next point.

5) Incurable Loneliness

You won’t just lose friends over the years. Your nature will keep you from forming any new relationships. Even if you are friendly, it’s unlikely you’ll become too close to anyone. All of your co-workers will have to be kept at arm’s length, lest they discover your secret and face the wrath of the Volturi. You could create more vampires, but most covens don’t exceed three. Those like the Cullen’s or the Denali’s aren’t the norm, because your fellow vampires could also kill you if the group becomes too large. It’s not called blood lust for nothing.

6) Tattoos Disappear

While it’s not mentioned in the novels themselves, the Official Illustrated Guide explains that tattoos can’t be inked into new vampires. Old tattoos presumably disappear too, which means that the hours you spent being inked are lost. Like the loss of your favourite foods and the ability to have children, a core piece of what makes you yourself disappears. For many of us, tattoos are a part of who we are. It’s no wonder many of the undead don’t feel like themselves anymore.

7) No More Pets?

Animals become wary around vampires, a natural instinct. If you were a crazy cat lady before your transformation, your beloved pets will be terrified of you. They will react to you as if you have transformed into a cougar. If you’ve subscribed to the Cullen “vegetarian” diet, you’ll also deal with the guilt of accidentally eating a cat or two if you become too hungry—or the guilt over them smelling delicious in the first place. You’ll have to be content with nature documentaries.

8) Boredom

Those who love to learn and explore will love vampirism—until they run out of things to do. Granted, it could take a long time. There are always going to be new television shows, new cultures, and even new countries as the world changes. Change happens slowly, though, and you’ll discover new anomalies faster than the world will be able to throw them at you. There might be a nearly infinite number of hobbies to engage in, but it’s not as if you’ll like everything on offer. If you hated hockey as a human, what are the odds you’ll enjoy it three hundred years later? (Of course, most of us would probably enjoy vampire baseball).

9) Falling Out of Touch

Each generation has it’s own principles and ideas to which it adheres. Three generations later, older generations look unkind or dated. Technology changes. Lifestyles shift. Elderly people struggle to adapt to a world of colour televisions, cellphones, and social media. Those who remember what it was like to send a letter have to contend with texting, and change is only going to continue—possibly at an even faster rate, so that middle aged people feel old. This effect would be exacerbated for those who live for not one century, but several. A vampire will have to experience massive shifts in thinking and lifestyle, or be ridiculed by other humans for being grossly old fashioned.

10) You’re Still Stuck on Earth

If you manage to live forever, without being killed by other vampires, you’re also going to be around to experience the worst the world has to offer. Dangerous human technology could actually hurt you; nuclear bombs and meteors are as much a threat to you as anyone else. Furthermore, if you manage to survive all the human problems, you’ll live to see more drastic events: what will all the indestructible vampires do when the sun goes out? Look forward to floating around in space, perpetually starving.

Being a vampire isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. You might not have to sleep or age or pause to eat, but you may have to give up those aspects of life which mean the most to you. There’s also the fact that however immortal you are, planet Earth isn’t. Humans won’t last forever, because nothing does, and you’ll live to see changes most of us would shudder at.

What would you do? If vampire venom was offered to you, would you take it? What would be your own reasons to hesitate?